I Hope You Can Relate

Fuckng dance!

I have to give a shout out to my number 1 favourite activity because of how it has saved my life this last little while.

Work has been pretty stressful lately, with a lack of customers and sales. Add on a shit load of schoolwork and let’s just say I haven’t been the happiest camper. It really sucks when you just want to escape from it all and you can’t. I really have a hard time living in the fast paced Albertan environment, it just isn’t for me. I seriously just want to be done school and move to Europe…maybe France where they have a 35 hour work week, or Germany where their minimum vacation time is 3 weeks a year. I want to live in places that are laid back and relaxed. Cultures that realize that life is a balancing game and that you don’t have to push everything to the maximum.  But it’s not like I can just pick up and move somewhere else….at least not until I’m finished my degree.

So how is a young boy to cope with large amounts of stress?

One word: Dance

I recommend this to everyone…if you’re sitting at home studying, and you start to feel overwhelmed and anxious…just stand up, grab your ipod, and rock the fuck out! Nothing will lift your spirits more then putting on your favourite tune and just givin’er all you got. It’s my personal way to deal with stress in my life and maybe it will help you.

And one last shout out: Cough Medicine…..I know I hated you in the past…but now I think you rawk ma sawks!

-Van

PS: I need a vacation…get here faster winter break!

My promise

A promise to my aunt, uncle, grandpa and myself.

You will never see another cigarette touch these lips again. Promise.

About family

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything online, mainly because I’ve decided that most of my writing is personal, and so I keep a notebook. But this is something I think is better to be shared, so here goes. Well I have to say that family seems to have been on my mind the most these last couple of weeks. I guess I’m starting to enter that stage in life when you have to start saying goodbye to the ones you love, and I guess my grandpa parsons is going to be the first important person in my life to go. I’ve had some hard days this week, struggling with the idea of whether or not to travel to see him one last time. I’m lucky enough to be spending time with my other grandparents, who I love dearly, and I just wish that I could be there right now for the other side when they need me most. I know that my mom’s been having a pretty hard time with losing her dad. I personally don’t even wanna imagine how hard it would be to lose someone who has raised you from birth and shaped the person you are. Someone who you’ve shared so much of your life with….gone in a blink of an eye. It’s been hard for me personally to see my mom so upset, because when she starts to cry, she gets me going too. It’s weird to be the emotional comforter after being the comfortee my whole life. I guess I appreciate the fact that the people I love can count on me to be there for them when they need me. Being seen as an equal instead of a kid is something I’ve wanted from my parents for a long time, and I guess I’m starting to travel down that path now. I think though that it must be hardest for my grandma. She’s been married to my grandpa for about 60 years now, maybe a bit more. I’m pretty emotional when it comes to the concept of true love, so for me to see two people who were truly in love lose eachother…well it’s heartbreaking. I know that I want what they have one day. To find someone you can give everything to. Someone that makes you feel special and loved. Someone that is there for you in the good times and the bad times. The idea of losing someone that important in your life, someone you’ve shared so much with…I don’t even want to imagine how hard it must be. It’s almost enough to make me never want to have a connection with anyone like that, for fear of losing it someday, but I know that true love is worth any heartbreak that may result. My brother told me something that really struck me hard the other day. He told me about something my grandpa had said to him while my brother was visiting him in the hospice. My grandpa held my brother face with both hands, looked him in the face and said, “My mother never told me she loved me. Dont forget to tell people you care.” I may be misquoting, but it was pretty close to that. It made me realize that I would never want people to wonder if I loved them if I died suddenly. So from now on I’m gonna let people know just how important they are to me. I’ve said it before, but I love you Mom, Dad, Shane, Katie, Cara, Kelly, Minnie, Murray, Matt, Becky, Nick, Bao-Hoa, Krista and all the rest of my family and friends. You are all in my heart. Forever. I’ll remember to let you know in person though next time I see you :D. But amidst all the sadness, there is always happiness to be found. This weekend my older sister will be getting married and start her own family. It’s pretty amazing, and it’s only been 11 years in the making haha. I know that even though this timing might be sad, I will be so happy to see all my family members again together, and I know that we will have a super duper awesome fantastic time this weekend celebrating my sisters marriage. I’ve always wanted to get to know my uncles, aunts and cousins better, so I think I’m gonna start building those bridges this weekend, so that in the future we’ll always keep in touch. I have to give a special shout out here though to my grandpa and grandma coyle. They have been so important in my life. My grandpa is such a joker, absolutely hilarious. I’ve had some great talks with them this weekend, especially with my grandma though. She’s always been a shining star in my life. I love her calls asking me how my life is going, and telling me how much she loves me and how special I am too her. This weekend she told me that she’s always had a soft spot for me (basically I’m her favourite) and it made me feel so so special. We had some great chats this weekend, and I know that from now on I’m gonna be emailing her all the time, because she’s someone that I can really open up to and be accepted by. Pretty amazing I think. Another thing I’m personally thankful for is the time I’ve had these last couple of months to bond with my brother and sister. In the past we’ve been at eachother’s throats, but now as we grow up I know that we will start to become better and closer friends. My brother is already starting to become one of my best friends. I can talk to him about anything it seems, and he’s starting to do the same with me. It’s really fackin awesome! Even my 15/16 year old sister is starting to come out of her drama queen spoiled girl attitude, and become someone I can see myself becoming really close with. A couple of weekends ago I got the chance to hang with her in my backyard for a campfire with some of my friends and hers. We even had our first normal conversation together. It was kinda weird, but at the end of it I was so excited to know that I could finally talk to her on the same level. I know as time goes on that we will start to close the gap between us, and become great friends. :) So my final message to everyone reading this….tell someone you love them! Let people know that you care about them! I guarantee that you will not regret it. You will be suprised at how great friendships can become when you start to open up that emotional connection. Until next time, Kevan signing out. PS- I get to finally see Death Cab For Cutie on Thursday while I’m in vancouver! How fuckin sweet is that!

A life worth living

Today I went through some huge puddles while I was driving. It was awesome! One of them my car dragged slow through it, and made waves on the side like twice the size of my cavalier. It was ridiculous!

I had a couple hoots of weed for the first time in a couple weeks, and realized how easy it is to perceive reality differently from someone else. I’ve always seen things as soo black and white, but now I realize that reality is completely based on your perception of it, your own personal point of view, and its so easy to change that and see things in a whole different light. I never realized before what people meant when people said ” Change the way you look at the world, and the world around you will change” but now I think I understand because I’m able to finally view outside of my own perspective, and take on other ones. Thank you weed. One of your many good features that can outweight the bad.

So when I thought about the change in perspective, I decided to commit myself to a 100% feel good mood for the night. It is amazing how beautiful  and good everything feels when you decide to be optimistic. You notice all the best parts of the world and trust me when I say, this is so amazing.

I realize that I have decided to look on the bright side a lot more this last year, and its made me a lot happier, but what this sesh helped me realized is how thankful I am to think the way I do. To be able to live life so happily, and be so stoked on any opportunity that comes my way. I’m happy that I live my life in balance. Not by any guideline or anything like that, but just being true to myself and what I want. Its really amazing to say that I am able to keep the important things in my life balanced. I have a job that I really enjoy with great people, but that I don’t put too much stress on. I have great times with my friends, where I open myself up to new experiences and adventures and conversations. I have a personal life where I can enjoy the simple pleasures that I like, such as going to the gym and excersing, or playing board games with my friends and talking about the lastest movies or sports games. Im always stoked to take a risk and try something new, to meet new people, to see new places. The Earth holds a world full of oppurtunity, and I’m ready to grab it. I love the feeling that I have right now, the feeling that I have the power to do what my heart desires, maybe not always to the fullest extent that I’d like, but the important thing is that I am developing my mind into a state of being that I think will bring my life the most happiness. We only have one life, and I’m ready to face the world smiling.

So my final message to you is to embrace self exploration and growth. They are some of the most amazing things you can do for yourself in life. Develop into what you want. Don’t be controlled by what other people tell you to do. Don’t follow another’s example. Just make your own choices, and at the end of the day you’ll always be loved by at least one person. Yourself.  :)

I hope you all can relate,

Kevan Coyle

PS. Whoever does read this….I think im an awesome guy to hang out with and talk to, so if you want to hang out give me a shout. We may not be friends yet, but Im always willing to get to know people because you never know what can come out of it. :)

To: Earth

I promise I’m going to treat you better.

Your pal,

Kevan Coyle

Life

Everyday I get up out of bed with a smile on my face. Why? Because there are so many things in this world to be thankful for. Everyday I find something that makes me happy. It can be a sunset glowing through the clouds and turning them beautiful colours; it could be the wind blowing across a pond and making dancing ripples across the surface, or it could be just someone performing an act of kindness for someone else. It may seem corny but I love to see families spending time together. If I see a dad playing catch with his son it makes me so happy inside, because it’s people taking simply pleasures out of life, and spending quality time with each other.

These days society has become so progressionist, so greedy and private. We don’t want people to intrude on our space, or to get into our business, and we keep everything at a distance. I see a lot of people in the world who have become so shut off from living life, and who are concerned only with themselves. On the other hand though, people like that make me even happier when I see people who aren’t like that, people who show genuine interest in the lives of others, people who are willing to help others, to share their stories, to share themselves. If the world was made up of people who cared, think of how amazing we could become as a society. We would focus more on our progression of happiness then the progression of our bank accounts.

Imagine a world where we all thought about others before ourselves; where we decided to share what we had instead of hording it away greedily. I’m not suggesting that we all become mother Theresa, but it is so easy just to do something special for someone else, and it can make a world of difference in their lives.
We all like to feel happy and special, so if we have the power to have that affect on someone else then why don’t we? Think of how amazing they’ll feel knowing that people care about them, and think about how awesome you’ll feel simply by affecting that change in them.
We can all do these kind of things if we make the conscious effort to do so. I know that we have been brought up in a society that emphasizes self-need over others, and much of that self need is brought on by businesses selling capital ideology to make more money; but I say to you that we can break this cycle! We can live better, we can be happier, we can create a new society where money is not the final solution, but it is instead a way to come to the final solution of global cohesion and universal happiness.

My goal in life is to travel around the world and experience all the different cultures. I want to expand my mind, to see how different people live, to see what I have been missing out on. I want to be learn, and keep learning throughout my life. Knowledge is the one thing that I value more then anything, and there is so much in the world to learn from. Throughout my travels I hope that I can pass on positivity to others around me, and to convince them to spread optimism and happiness. I hope that at the end of my days I will have inspired real positive change in the world.

I'm Waiting

Waiting..waiting…waiting

Waiting for the future,

Waiting for the next exciting thing,

Waiting for life,

Waiting to do something important,

Waiting for change,

Waiting for a new beggining,

Waiting for it all to make sense,

Why am I waiting?

Some self reflection...it's been awhile

Last night I got high. Alot of things screamed through my mind that I have kept buried.

I was watching Step Brothers last night, and was having a great time. The movie was hilarious and all was well. Will Ferrels character actually has a real brother. This guy is a dick and treats Ferrels character like crap. At the end of the movie, Ferrel and Rileys character play that one really beautiful Andrea Boccelli song, and it makes Ferrels real brother have a flashback to a time when they were young and best friends, and brothers, real brothers that cared about eachother and used to be best friends. At this point I started crying, because it stirred up this deep emotion inside of me.  It made me think about the passing of time, and how much I wish things never changed. The first thing I thought about was how much I missed him, the brother I remembered, the one who I’d stay up late with and watch dragon ball z, or family guy. The one who I’d play video games with, and go biking to the park with. I thought about how  the spunky young boy who used to put a smile on everyones face now made everyone around him so sad. I look at him and remember the young boy who used to be so happy and carefree, and I wonder what happened that made him change into this person I hardly recognize. I miss him. I miss my brother. I think about what i’ve done to him in the past that could have led him to this point. I always had to make everything a competition, it was who I was, it was how I gained love from the only place I could, my parents. I worry that my need for attention secluded him from the family, from me. I remember stuffing him in a garbage can at school when he I was in grade 9, just so I could look cool infront of everyone and hopefully have people like me, but instead I just embarresed him infront of everyone. It makes me feel sick and ashamed to know that I inflicted that kind of pain onto someone I cared about the most, someone who still loved me when not very many people did. It’s these moments that I wish I could take back…maybe things would be different, maybe he would be happier person…maybe we would have been closer….maybe if I never left him out of time with my friends he would want to spend time with us now. He never had friends on our street growing up, there was no one his age. I never let him hang around with any friends I had, because I was so greedy with their time. Looking back I wish I would have included him more, to give him our friendship, but as a kid you never think outside of your own selfishness…at least I didn’t.

That then led me to think about the other people in my life that I care about, like my friends. I feel like I keep losing them one by one, and soon none of them will be left.  I remember being best friends with Nick. We’d drive to school together everyday, grab food together, play hacky sack,  and go to the gym and work out together. He was someone I could count on to be there, to be the friend I needed. Over the last couple of years though i;ve been feeling this crack between us grow larger and larger. We don’t talk anymore. We never did alot, but I remember talking on the beach to him in Mexico, and thinking for the first time that he actually wanted to share what he was thinking with me, that he actually wanted to make himself vulnerable to me, and I felt so lucky that he could be open with me. That there are the times where he’s helped me when I was really upset, about Krista or whatever else. He showed some of the best qualities that I admire most, like the ability to be someone who can just listen to your problems and make you feel better about everything that’s going wrong. Now it seems like the only time he wants to talk to me or hang out is if we are out with the group.  I know I’ve done so many wrong things, like pushing him into doing things that he wasn’t comfortable doing. Maybe I never respected him for the person he was, and was too busy trying to shape him into the person I thought he should be. I’m sorry for that Nick. I just want us to be close again, to feel like we’re more than just acquaintances, and I’m afraid that you’ve just moved on to greener pastures.

Lately I’ve felt that I’m losing that same closeness with Murray. I know that everyone’s back in school and moving on with their lives, but I kind of feel like I’m being left behind. Murray seems so busy lately, and so fulfilled with what he’s doing. One of the things I think we used to connect most about was our feeling of being lost. Some of my favourite memories are of us talking all night about things we were unsure of, about the universe and society and ourselves. I remember the first time we had a deep talk in his poker room, and afterwards feeling so connected, so comfortable with myself because someone thought about the same things I did… I wasn’t alone. We’ve had so many good times together, and now I feel like I’m not a part of them anymore. He has so much stuff going on in his life, that I feel left out, unimportant. I’m so happy that he is finding himself and his passion, but at the same time I feel sad because I feel like I’m being left behind. I still feel so confused, and now everyone seems to have their lives on a specific road, while I’m still at the 4-way deciding which way to turn.

I’m so afraid to grow up and leave everything behind. Since I’ve been a kid I’ve always wanted to be an adult, have a family, and put my childhood behind me. Now that these choices are finally coming to me, I want to go back and relive all the times that I took for granted.  I wish I could become better friends with Bawa and Jon. Bawa’s been a great friend, but I could never connect on the same level I did with the others. We’ve had great times, and he’s defiantly someone that is so important to me but I just feel like I’ve never gotten the chance to really open up and talk with him. I feel kind of left out because he seems to have this great friendship with everyone else, and I just feel kind of left to the the side. I really want to open up that friendship and learn more about him, but it’s hard for me to do, because I’m afraid that I’ll never measure up to Jon or Nick or Murray.

I wish I could bring my brother back, I wish I could redo it all, but I’m afraid to even relive my memories, because a lot of the time it brings up this terrible ache in my heart, and I just feel even more out of control. I am trying to make this work, to change my thinking, because maybe I just have a problem moving away from the past and living in the present, but still, deep inside of me I wish I could have it all, to have all those memories in the past and keep living them, while still movie forward into the future and making new memories. The future scares me, change scares me, because for the past 4 years my life has been amazing, and I don’t want it to change. I hope that whoever reads this knows that I care, I want to make things the best they possibly can be.

Love you all,

Kevan